Mission imbeciles

The other day I was reading Abe's blog about the crazy people from his mission and how Scranton, Pennsylvania is the perfect location for the characters on The Office to live. (Abe - Did you notice they called Wilkes Barre . . . Wilkes Barrey last week on The Office?)

Anyways, so that got me to thinking about the strange people on my mission. Here are some stories of the people from my mission:

1- While tracting one day me and my two companions were invited in to this woman's house. After about an hour and a half of her talking non-stop she began to tell us a story about how she went blind years ago, but after her dentist did some bridge work in her mouth her sight was completely restored. "If I take out my mouthpiece I become blind." She said. Now this woman was clearly not blind, so we challenged her on the issue. "Yes I am!" she said as she took out her mouth piece. The moment she did her eyes rolled to the back of her head. All we could see was the white part. "See!" She said. We were freaking out! We quickly told her we had to leave and rushed out the door.

2- While trying to deliver a Bible to a woman who had ordered it off of t.v. :

We pulled up to this woman's house. It had five flea-ridden, mangy little dogs and a few cats eating some food that looked to be weeks old. They dogs began barking at us.

The woman let us in and we proceeded to try to tell her the First Discussion while she smokes like a chimney. My companion and I both feel creeped out and felt like we should leave, but we stay anyway.

Then she proceeds to tell us about how she sometimes leaves her body when she dreams. "Once when I was a little girl I was asleep and I left my body. I could see my parents lying in the bedroom next to mine. Then I was romping around a rolling field. I romped around for hours, then I went back into my body." I'm sure she was just having a dream, but she insisted that she left her body.

We start talking to her about Jesus and ask her if she believes in Him.

"Oh Yes!" she says. "One day I was sleeping in my rocking chair in the front porch and a man came strolling down the street. He was wistling a tune and he didn't have on no shoes or socks. Well he came right up to me and do you know what he did? He shoved a whole peach right into my mouth and down my throat. And do you know who that man was? It was Jesus!"

At this point we were both freaking out and decided to leave.

3- A couple in the ward. We were teaching the wife, who was special ed. The state had taken away her three children years ago. She claimed they sterilized her so she wouldn't have any more. Her husband was already a member, and ten years younger than her. (He was about 22). He was almost completely blind and when he read, he had to hold the page right up to his eye to make out the letters. They lived in his mother's trailer home.

Later they bought a trailer home just down the "street"(or sandy path). The inside was painted hot pink! I mean HOT PINK! The walls were hot pink. The ceiling was hot pink. The floor was hot pink (all except where the huge hole was). For a service project we decided to help them paint. On top of that it was the middle of the summer in Florida and the trailer stunk!

This woman's first church calling was to organize who fed the missionaries. Regardless to say, if she couldn't get a family to feed us, she would invite us over to her house for church welfare dinner.

This woman loved cats. When we met her she had two cats, full of fleas, but they had since had baby cats, who were also full of fleas and had some sort of disease, that thankfully, eventually killed them.

One day she made us venision (which I HATE). "My brother shot it, so be careful. There might be some buck shot still in there." she said. She made us those church welfare pearlized mashed potatoes and then poured gravy over the entire plate. I don't like gravy either by the way.

After she dished up our food (which I was wondering how I would eat) she decided to show us the trailer she and her husband were going to buy. Thankful for the distraction, we decided to go see the trailer right then, and eat later.

So we left our food on the t.v. trays and walked the 40 yards to her new trailer. Hot Pink!

When we got back the flea-ridden, diseased cats were eating our venision. This lady shewed the cats away and told us to "dig in". That's when I said to my companion "Oh no! We were supposed to be at a discussion 15 minutes ago! We need to leave." She asked if we wanted to take our plates to go. She had some saran wrap. We said "No. With the gravy I think it will still make a mess in the car." I think she knew we didn't really have an appointment, but I did not care!

So what do you think? Who met weirder people on their mission? Abe or me? Can anyone top those stories?